Not so smart

When I was about eight years old, a school friend told me this story right where he was having a wee and he somehow knocked a toilet roll into the toilet and got wee on it and his dad came in because he had caused such commotion and his dad was eating an apple and that fell in the toilet and there was wee on the apple and I thought this was the funniest thing I had ever heard.

Then a short while ago I nearly dropped my phone in the toilet to avoid knocking a toilet roll and a can of air freshener in the toilet. The phone fell on the floor and I was releaved but the floor was wet, not with wee I hasten to ads, and the phone was okay for a short while but then the whole screen went red which was clearly not a good thing and then it wouldn't turn on at all.

I don't know if it was because I'd dropped it or something else I'd unknowingly done, or if the phone was just faulty but I now did not have a phone. I was able to book myself in at the nearest Apple Store (Brent Cross) Genius Bar (a name that always makes me gringe, and since the phone was not very old I suspected they would just replace it. 

The Masque of the Red Screen took place on Sunday and my Genius Bar Waltz was scheduled for Wednesday evening.

I had three days without a phone. What would I do?

Wake up in the morning, what's the time? No idea, I don't have a watch, I use my phone.

Is my train going to be on time? Hang on, I'll boot up the laptop...

Shall I listen to some music on the train? Erm... no can do.

It went on like this. To be honest, the worst part was where I might, given an idle few minutes, browse the Internet aimlessly or whatever, I no longer had the choice.

I did a lot of reading, which was very pleasing, but I do like when reading in public to have the earphones in to block out and make me concentrate more. This wasn't an option.

And when I went to Brent Cross I didn't know if there were bus issues, couldn't listen to music or browse the Internet on the way there.

(the bus to Brent Cross is one of those terrible tiny local bus things that literally goes round the houses to get there)

And when I got there I had no idea what the time was so I had no idea when I was due to meet my Genius.

As predicted as I was within warranty I got a new phone and all was well with the world again.

The only plus point is that I'm too old to be a digital native. The thought of being one of them and without a phone terrifies me.

Stick Them Up "Punks" It's The Antiques Roadshow

As you may or may not know, the Antiques Roadshow is filmed all over the country. This is no good to me, as I live in the South East, specifically the outskirts of London and therefore I have a misguided assumption that everything interesting should happen near me.

So when I heard that the "Roadshow" was coming to the mighty Walthamstow aka E17 and the visit coincided with my birthday, well the weekend afterwards, I thought, well I have to go. It would be RUDE not to.

So I did.

I didn't take any antiques with me, mainly because I don't have any. I pondered the possibility of asking around, seeing if anyone had anything they wanted me to take, but common sense prevailed and I didn't bother.

Joining the queue slightly back from a man in a Swans t-shirt and massive ginger beard made my thoughts alternate between "gosh the audience has changed" to "blooming  hipsters innit" at the drop of a hat.

After realising that we didn't have to queue as we hadn't bought anything we were allowed to join the revelling antique fans, and mill freely. Here are some highlights (and lowlights)

1. A man serving coffee out of the back of a can. He had a wide stance.

2. When it is shown on telly, you may see me, awkwardly laughing as a funeral urn is inspected.

3. No Munn.

4. The queues man! You should have seen them! I was so glad I didn't bring anything to be appraised.

5. They do the valuation twice, if your stuff looks good they bring the cameras over.

6. Fiona Bruce did a bit to camera where I'm in the crowd. I muttered in a disdainful manner, "that looks like an antique biscuit" only to be absolutely correct.

7. You can't buy a commerative paperweight. 

8. Walthamstow town hall is an amazing looking place.

9. A lot of people bring paintings. Or is it just that paintings are easily recognised.

10. The kind of people you see wandering around are EXACTLY as you might imagine— although the Swans t-shirt was unexpected.

Extract From A Work In Progress

"So many things in the modern world have secret, hidden meanings," he said.

"Like what?" I said. I could accept some of what he was saying, true, but some of this stuff seemed to fantastic to be true.

"Roundabouts," he said. "They are almost without exception built on sites of long-established evil. The roundabout was always there, long before it was actually built."

I decided to show off some of my local knowledge at this point: "I know the first roundabout in Britain was built in Letchworth Garden City."

"Very true," he said. "This is why I avoid going there. Very ancient things lurk there. Things not to be invoked."

"What do you make Milton Keynes?" I asked. "Lots of roundabouts there. Including, if memory serves, a 'magic' one."

"Oh you must never go to Milton Keynes!" he said.

I was shocked at his vehemence: "Because of the ancient evils that lurk there now manifesting themselves as roundabouts?"

"No," he replied. "It's just really fucking boring there."

Triple Action

Apparently William S Burroughs used to keep a notebook where the pages were divided into three.

1. What you are seeing/hearing

2. What you are thinking

3. What you are reading

I like this idea, although it sounds very tricky in theory. Must give it a go.

On the other hand Buckminster supposedly wore three wristwatches* which were set to the following times:

1. Where you started from

2. Where you are going 

3. The time at home 

It's hard to believe anyone in this day and age was bother with writing right across a notebook page or having one watch in, like some kind of LOSER.

* I do like the term "wristwatch". It sounds so overdone. Like saying "omnibus" for "bus" and so on.